He was born a woman, had surgery to be a man, and regretted it

Carol had long suspected that her daily life in rural California would be easier as a man. However, he was surprised at how true that perception turned out to be. Like a masculine looking woman (and “not much for smiles”) was routinely treated with mild contempt, she says. After a double mastectomy and a few months of testosterone treatment (which gave her facial hair and a deep voice) “the people, the cashiers, they all suddenly became so nice.”

However, it didn’t take long for Carol to find herself miserable as a trans man. Initially, the testosterone, which she began injecting at age 34, had improved her mood and energy levels. However, after two years she too began to suffer from some horrific side effects. The vaginal and uterine atrophy (which can cause tissue to rupture and bleed) was “extremely painful.” Her cholesterol levels went up and she started having palpitations. I was so nervous that I had panic attacks.

So she started taking antidepressants and they worked. “It was a moment of enlightenment,” she says. “I suddenly realized that what I needed was antidepressants, not transition.” She realized that her gender dysphoria, the painful feeling of being in the wrong body, didn’t actually make her a man.

Almost three years ago, after four transsexuals, Carol became a “de-transitioner”: someone who has taken opposite-sex hormones or had surgery (or done both) and then realized it was all a mistake. His experience illustrates the dangers of a gender-affirming model of care that accepts self-diagnosis by patients who claim to be trans, which is now standard practice in the field of transgender medicine in the United States.

No one knows how many transsexuals there are, but informal testing and the increase in online group participants indicate that the number is growing rapidly. According to a recent survey of 100 detransitioners (69 of whom were women) conducted by researcher Lisa Littman, MD, the majority felt they had not received adequate evaluation before treatment. Nearly a quarter said homophobia or a difficulty accepting being gay led them to transition; 38% believed their gender dysphoria was caused by trauma, abuse or mental health issues.

Carol believes the roots of her gender dysphoria lie in her childhood. An upbringing filled with religious bigotry and abuse instilled two toxic messages in him. One was the importance of “rigid gender roles … that women were there to serve; that they were inferior to men.” Her mother’s enduring anger at Carol’s inability to submit to this idea of ​​womanhood, which included wearing only clothes (“she didn’t even walk like a girl,” whatever that means”), caused her to grow up believing she had a way of being a woman that was, in a sense, “all wrong.” The other message was that homosexuality was an ‘abomination’.

Childhood

The “My God!” moment, as she describes it with some sarcasm, came at the age of 16, when she fell in love with her mother’s real estate agent. This caused him to have a depressive crisis (although he didn’t call it that at the time). First she “fasted and prayed to God to take him away.” She then began drinking heavily and having one-night stands with men “hoping something would click.” When she came out in her 20s, many of her relatives barred her from family gatherings.

And then, in her early 20s, when many lesbians in her social circle (“almost always butches”) started identifying as trans men, she thought, “It has to be like this! This is what’s wrong with me! ” However, she was told she had to live as a man for six months before her treatment application was approved, and she found the very idea of ​​using the men’s room intolerable. At the time, he had just met the woman who was to become his wife and had found some stability.

detransition

Now he spends a lot of time campaigning for the stories of other detransitionists to be heard. It’s not an easy task. Often those who speak openly about their transition are the target of smear campaigns. A doctor specializing in gender medicine has criticized the use of the term “detransition”, stating, with extraordinary cruelty, that “it means absolutely nothing”. Dr. Littman’s study revealed that only 24% of detransitioners tell their doctors that the transition didn’t work. This may help explain why some ignore the phenomenon.

Carol worries about girls taking puberty blockers to avoid becoming women, which she admits she would have done if given the chance. And she worries about masculine lesbians who are encouraged to consider that they are, in effect, straight men. Now let’s consider homophobia. “My wife recently told me that when I transitioned, she was fine for two months and then she realized it was crazy. And she was right. They said to her: actually, your wife is a man, so you are bisexual . or straight. Absolute idiocy.”

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